


Nothing But This Little Spark

by dizzy



Series: Trip and Stumble [3]
Category: Glee RPF, StarKid Productions RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 11:45:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/572915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the love to savvymavvy and ssecca01 for their input, assistance, and general handholding.</p><p>There is a chapter two, and it does switch briefly to Darren's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chris is a fan of Christmas in the sense that it’s steeped in family traditions that make him feel sort of childlike. He’s used to the hustle and bustle of family from out of town, avoiding questions he doesn’t have answers to, unwrapping presents that he’ll never use, and the genuine enjoyment of Christmas mornings watching Hannah unwrap presents and finding that his parents have listened to every hint he dropped and gotten him exactly what he’d wanted. 

There haven’t been any hints this year. He has no idea what his parents will have wrapped for him under the three. Even if it’s nothing but socks and underwear, he’s pretty sure that this Christmas will still be one of the best. Even if he and Darren won’t physically be together, he still has someone to text and call and someone to buy presents for and sing stupid duets that Darren changes or forgets half the words to anyway. 

His mother wants him to fly home the day after finals. He convinces her that two weeks at home is plenty and that he’ll want a few days after his exams to just decompress without having to fly across the country. He’s fairly certain that she knows there’s a reason for it, but she doesn’t ask over the phone. They go back and forth on the money it’ll cost to change the plane tickets and Chris promises her that it can be a Christmas present and they can return something else they’d gotten him. She caves before he has to actually reach the point of whining, which is a great benefit to his dignity since Darren has been on the bed beside him the entire time. 

It’s nice to have someone to share the triumphant feeling when his mother gives in finally. Chris barely has time to end the call before he’s being pounced on, Darren straddling him and pushing him back against the pillow. “Thank fucking Christ,” he says, kissing Chris hard on the mouth. “I’m already gonna go nuts, two weeks is so _long_.” 

Darren is going to San Fransisco for a week and then New York for a week to visit his brother. Chris has already expressed his insane jealousy, having never been to New York before. He’ll be back in Michigan two days before Darren. 

“She’s going to email me the itinerary with the times but I have until Tuesday now,” Chris says. “And today is Friday so that’s four whole days.” 

“So.” Darren moves back off of him, snuggling up to Chris’s side. “Idea.” 

“Mhm?” Chris turns onto his side so he can face Darren and then reaches out to play with his hair. He’s sort of in love with Darren’s hair, even after the haircut he’s just gotten. 

“Joey’s leaving tomorrow. I think you need to go ahead and pack your stuff up and just come shack up with me until you have to go home.” 

“It’s a little soon for shacking up, don’t you think?” Chris teases. “And wouldn’t Matt and Nick mind?” 

“They’re cool, I already asked them.” Darren grins, proud of himself. “I just want to spend the whole weekend with you. You can stay tonight, too, I just had to promise Joey we wouldn’t fool around while he’s in the room.” 

He gives Chris his best puppy eyes and even though there are already butterflies in Chris’s stomach at the idea of a four-day sleepover and all that it could entail, he doesn’t even think of turning the offer down. He leans in and kisses Darren. “I should start packing now, then.” 

* 

Chris hasn’t spent a lot of time in the company of other guys. In high school, he’d had a few sort-of friends but no one he was that close to. Even if he’d been the type to get invited places, he’d probably have turned them down in favor of spending time with Hannah every day. She didn’t have the luxury of options, and on top of that she’d genuinely been better company than at least eighty percent of his fellow East Clovis High peers. 

They watch Harry Potter until two in the morning, eating cold pizza and drinking beer. Matt cites it as a professional endeavor, saying he wants to take notes for the script they’re writing. 

It feels like a very dude thing. It feels like the thing he’d never have thought himself included in, but he is. Not only does he get that, but he no one gives a damn if he watches the whole movie curled into Darren’s side with Darren’s hand stroking up and down his arm or sliding under his shirt to just rest on his stomach.

They get some ribbing once or twice when they’re caught kissing, but Darren keeps it mellow and doesn’t push too much.

Joey goes to bed first, since he has a mid-morning flight. Nick abandons them shortly after and in the end Darren and Chris leave Matt to finish the third film on his own. 

Chris grabs his pajamas and retreats to the hall bathroom, laughing when Darren follows him. “What? I have to behave tonight in bed. I need to get my naughty out somewhere.” 

“I need to change clothes...” Chris ducks his head shyly, partly because he does feel shy and partly because he knows that kind of gets Darren going. 

“So,” Darren says, backing up. “Change.” 

“What?” Chris squeaks. 

They haven’t actually seen each other naked yet. Shirtless, and dicks out, but with the only time they’ve had together coming in the few minutes they could steal or bribe from less than accommodating roommates, they haven’t had time to take it all the way. 

Darren is just watching him though, smiling. He sits on the edge of the tub and crosses one leg over the other. “Come on. Don’t get shy. I just want to see you.” 

Chris starts to unbutton his shirt. Darren watches without commentary, though his expression grows a little lustier as Chris lets his clothes drop to the floor. It’s far from a striptease but by the time he’s down to just his boxer briefs he can’t stand it anymore. “Okay?”

Darren gets to his feet and crosses the tiny room in two steps. He purses his lips and says, “I did not think this one through.”

That’s not the reaction he was expecting. Chris takes a step back, arching when the cold doorknob presses against the small of his back. “What?” 

“Because now I’m looking at you, and you’re half naked - more than half naked - and suddenly I want to do a lot more than look.” Darren reaches out and puts his hand on Chris’s hip, two fingers on bare skin and two on the band of his underwear. “But I’m pretty sure my roommates would murder me if I defiled the bathroom outside of the sacred shower zone. And also the walls are pretty thin.” 

“Oh.” Chris nods a little. “Right.” 

“So. Unless you want to shower together?” Chris shakes his head quickly, so very not ready for that level of intimacy. Darren doesn’t look bothered or disappointed, he just dips his head down and presses a kiss to Chris’s shoulder. “So, then. You’re gonna put clothes on - fuck, that is not a sentence I want to ever say again, okay? - and we’re gonna go get in bed and I’m gonna hope that my balls don’t actually turn blue overnight.” 

Darren starts to move away but Chris doesn’t let him. He grabs him and pulls him back in, kissing him fast and dirty, tongue licking into Darren’s mouth while he grinds his hips forward.. Darren flails helplessly into the kiss, dazed when Chris pulls back. “You’re not the only one that wants more, you know.” Chris whispers to him. 

“Oh my God.” Darren’s voice is faint. “You’re evil.” 

Chris giggles and slaps Darren on the ass. “Now get out of here.” 

“Yep. Yes. Just gonna go. Go and think about my fifth grade school teacher. Or that one time my mom ran over a dog,” Darren says. Chris looks confused and sort of disgusted. “Anything to help kill this boner before we have to get in bed together.” 

Chris laughs and shoves him away. “Fine, then.” 

* 

Chris can’t sleep. 

Joey is snoring a few feet above them and the room is a little colder than he’s used to, the blankets a little thinner. He’s not that surprised upon thinking about it, since Darren tends to radiate heat like a furnace. The places where they touch (unavoidable on a twin bed, even with both of them being relatively small guys) are too hot and everywhere else is too cold. 

But it’s still nice to feel Darren’s arms around him and Darren’s breath tickling against his neck. He hadn’t had to worry about too much awkwardness because Darren situated them like he already had it planned out in his head. 

Or maybe like he’s shared a bed with so many people that he just doesn’t think anything of it. The idea kind of gnaws at Chris and he turns his head to the side and squeezes his eyes tight like that’ll actually accomplish anything. 

It doesn’t, of course, but he feels Darren shift and then lips press to his cheek. “What’s up, buttercup? You’re all tense. You need some space?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue to say yes, because if he did Darren would probably unwrap himself from around Chris and Chris could breathe and maybe sleep. But he doesn’t; instead he shakes his head and turns onto his side and slides his arm around Darren. There’s a light on the hallway and enough of it has slipped through the crack under the door that he can just barely make out Darren’s face, sleepy and smiling. “No. I like this.” 

Darren’s hand rubs up and down Chris’s back. “Good. Me, too.” 

Maybe sleep is overrated. 

*

Matt and Nick both drive Joey to the airport, saying that they are going to hang with some friends and won’t be back for a few hours.

And that they’ll knock. 

Loudly. 

Chris is fairly positive that Darren paid them for their absence, but he doesn’t care. He’s just glad Darren’s roommates are so agreeable. Justin had been less than thrilled at what he’d walked in on, and he’d dropped enough hints about not wanting it to happen again that Chris is sufficiently scared off of fooling around in his dorm room while there’s even the faintest possibility that Justin will be back 

Here and now, though, they’ve got hours and a perfectly nice bed.

“So,” Darren says, grinning and advancing on Chris. Chris finds himself blushing before they even kiss. Darren laughs at him. “Aw, come on, don’t get shy. I don’t bite.” 

“Unless I want you to?” Chris pushes away from the wall he’s leaning against and meets Darren halfway. “Maybe I do.” 

“You little minx,” Darren murmurs, closing the distance between their mouths. 

They stand there just kissing, Darren shirtless and warm and pulling Chris in tighter and tighter. After a few minutes he can feel Darren hard against his hip and he pushes into it. Darren’s hands drop down and grab his ass, hauling him closer. 

“I want to suck you,” Chris whispers, battling nerves as he says it out loud. 

He’s been daydreaming about this for _years_ , fuel for wet dreams and masturbation. He hasn’t even gotten a blowjob but he already wants to give one more. He’s wanted that experience, to know he’s done that. It always seemed like there was some huge gaping difference in being gay and actually having gay sex... like somehow he’d fall right into himself as soon as he could have that. 

Now he’s pretty sure that isn’t the case at all, and he doesn’t even care. There’s a deeper level to it. It’s not checking something off of a list, it’s not just some nameless faceless guy that matters less than the act itself. 

It’s Darren. It’s something he’s doing _with Darren_. 

Darren, who is groaning and still talking even though Chris hasn’t heard a word he’s said in at least third seconds. “Me, too. I mean. I want you to. And I want to do it to you. I want... yeah. Blowjobs all around. One for everything.” 

Chris kisses him just to shut him up, and then leads them into the bedroom.

*

Sex isn’t really what Chris had expected at all. 

Sex with Darren is a lot of laughter. It’s a lot of trial and error and teasing and stupid jokes and things that should sound cheesy except that they’re naked with their dicks out and things take on different meaning like that apparently. 

Chris also still isn’t beyond having to stop and marvel that he gets to touch this gorgeous boy and his gorgeous cock. Or that this gorgeous boy wants to touch his. 

And Darren certainly does seem to want it. Chris is loose and lax on the bed after what essentially seemed to be coming his brains out under Darren’s inexperienced but all too enthusiastic tongue. 

But now it’s his turn to try and find new ways to make Darren unravel. He pushes Darren onto his back and straddles him, taking him in hand. 

Maybe he spends a few too many seconds just looking, because Darren squirms under his grasp and reaches up to trail fingers down Chris’s arm. “You don’t have to....” 

Chris breathes in deep and just goes for it, taking Darren into his mouth. Darren slumps back against the bed, releasing tension that Chris hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying. 

“Oh, shit, that feels good,” Darren groans. 

Chris isn’t surprised at all that Darren is vocal. There doesn’t seem to be a single aspect of his life that Darren isn’t vocal in. 

And if he’s being honest, the encouragement is appreciated. Chris tries not to let himself get overwhelmed. It’s easier when he just thinks about this being something that makes Darren feel good; not about how good or bad he is at it, or how he rates next to any of the other people Darren has slept with. 

He can’t go too deep or take too much but that doesn’t seem to detract too much, considering how little time passes before Darren is curling his toes into the sheets and gasping for Chris to stop. 

“What?” Chris looks up, panting, lips swollen and wet. “I want it in my mouth.” 

“Are you fucking _pouting_ at me? God damn, you can’t just do that.” Darren’s voice is weak and awed. “You’re gonna get your wish in about two seconds if you touch me again.” 

Chris smirks defiantly and licks around the tip before sucking hard. 

Darren really wasn’t kidding, and Chris really finds himself glad. Not just because his jaw is starting to ache and he really isn’t sure exactly what else to do, but because this, he thinks, is the best part of all. Darren throbbing and pulsing against his tongue, spilling into his mouth. It has a funny taste, nothing quite like he’s heard or read it being described, but it’s not bad. He loves the tangible proof that he’s made Darren feel _that good_ , coating his mouth and thick down his throat once he swallows. 

He keeps suckling until Darren has to whine for him to stop. “You are secretly a porn star and you’re recording this, aren’t you? Dude, we could make millions-” 

Chris moves up Darren’s body and straddles his torso this time, pressing his hands to Darren’s face and bending to kiss him. “You really never shut up, do you?” He murmurs, smiling. 

“Your mouth,” Darren groans, and then he has no more words because he’s too busy licking into Chris’s mouth. 

It takes Chris a second to figure out what he’s doing, but when he does he laughs and pulls back. “You are a sexual deviant.” 

Darren grabs his ass and Chris yelps. “You like it.” 

Darren’s hands stay right where they are, contentedly so, but the more removed from the moment they are the more aware Chris is of the position that he’s in - naked, straddling Darren, with all sorts of _parts_ touching, and he’s sort of blushing just thinking of how casually he’s been draping himself all over Darren. 

He steadies himself and looks at Darren’s face, because that seems safest. The things he sees there go even further toward soothing his sudden nerves, and maybe Darren can sort of tell because he nudges Chris off of him and then grabs the pajama pants they’d tossed earlier earlier, handing them over without Chris having to ask. “So are we staying in for lunch, or going out?”

“Stay in.” Chris shimmies into the pants and then stretches out, feeling less exposed. “Unless you haven’t been grocery shopping since the last time I was over. I’m still not sold on the idea of olives and anchovies alone making a meal.” 

“You’re just not adventurous enough!” Darren defends his culinary creativity. He puts clean underwear on and grabs Chris’s hand and pulls until Chris follows him out of bed. “Good, staying in is good, though. We totally have time for round two before they get back.” 

Chris giggles and staggers behind him. He sits on a barstool while he watches Darren parade around, keeping up a running commentary of inane conversation. Every few seconds he looks over at Chris’s face just to see if he’s making Chris smile or laugh, blatantly wanting to impress, and every time their eyes meet Chris feels it tingle down to his fingertips. 

They have sandwiches off of the same plate, half naked and as close as they can get without actually being in the same chair. 

Chris can’t remember ever feeling as close or as intimate or as comfortable with someone as he is with Darren right now, and he marvels over how he’d never really thought of those two things going hand in hand before. 

*

Once Ashley finds out he’s staying in town longer, she puts in an official request for lunch on Sunday. 

It is nearly an impossible thing to leave a warm and cuddly Darren in bed, but Chris manages under willpower of seeing his friend for the last time in weeks and because he has an ulterior motive. 

He needs shopping help. He’s having second guesses about his Christmas gift for Darren. The gift certificate to a music store had been purchased before they even got together, in a fit of sentimentality and maybe the thought that he could get another hug out of the deal. The same day he’d bought it, he’d decided not to give it to him since he wasn’t getting any of the other theater kids anything. His bank account couldn’t afford to splurge on all of them. 

He and Darren are together now, and he can totally get Darren a present. A gift certificate seems woefully inadequate. 

“That dude lives and breathes music, Chris. He’d love it,” Ashley argues, but she dutifully follows him around the crowded mall. 

“Maybe...” He frowns and glances at a display of scarves. 

“Ooh, this is totally your color,” Ashley says. They spend a few minutes entirely distracted shopping for themselves before Chris decides that there’s nothing in here that’s really Darren’s style. 

Eventually he finds a gift that sort of seems out of nowhere, but as soon as he sees it he can imagine it being something Darren needs to own. He’s smiling as he makes the purchase then tucks it away in his messenger bag. 

“Okay, now that’s taken care of...” He turns to Ashley and gives her a big smile. “Egg nog on me?” 

She takes his arm. “Now those are words I like to hear.” 

*

Chris has come to the conclusion that he could easily spend the rest of his life locked away in a world away from everyone else with just Darren. Darren, and Darren’s voice, and his guitar, and his lovely, lovely hands, and his kisses... 

They don’t get out of bed until noon on Monday, because getting up means laundry and packing (re-packing, for Chris) and having to face the fact that tomorrow they get on different flights to the same state, a separation of hours that might as well be continents for all the difference it will make. 

“Don’t make me go home,” he whines, loose and lax against Darren. 

Darren sighs and smooths a hand up Chris’s back. “Don’t go. Stay here. With me.” 

“You won’t even be here,” Chris points out. 

Darren lifts his hand to wave it dismissively. Chris whines at the loss of touch, so Darren starts petting him again. “Technicalities.” 

Chris pets his fingers over Darren’s chest. That’s something he can _do_ now. He tips his face down a little and smiles, but doesn’t manage to hide it well enough. 

“Awful big grin for someone sooooo sad to leave me.” Darren tugs lightly on Chris’s hair. “Penny for your thoughts?” 

“Not worth it,” Chris says. “Just that I like this.” 

“My nipple?” Darren looks down at where Chris’s finger is circling. “Well, you know, they are pretty good nipples. Like, if nipples had a rating, they’d totally be a ten.” 

“Not your nipple.” Chris tweaks it in punishment. “And I don’t think a ten. They’re kind of small. Maybe an eight.” 

“Is this the sound of us leaving the honeymoon phase already?” Darren sighs. “That was fast.” 

Chris sits up impulsively and swings his legs over to straddle Darren. “Oh, no, I think we’re still in that phase.” 

He’s half hard just from the lazy touches they’ve been sharing. Darren looks down at his cock and smirks, then strokes two fingers down the shaft as it stiffens. “I’ve created a monster.” 

“Is that a size reference?” Chris jokes, leaning down for a kiss that goes deep from the very start, open mouths meeting. He’s considering the weekend a much needed crash course in marathon makeouts. Darren assures him that he’s definitely an A student. 

Darren gets a hand between them and starts to jerk Chris off. Chris sighs and lets him for a minute, until he’s completely hard and he can feel Darren responding against him, then he shifts his hips lower and lines them up. They’ve only done it this way once - well, sort of twice if you count on the couch with their pants on, but Chris decides not to since he’s the only one that came. 

Darren is still having fun with that. Chris has almost learned to stop feeling mortified, since apparently his lack of stamina is actually sort of a turn on for Darren even though he really has no idea why. He likes that Darren can last longer, because it means Chris gets to try out more things. 

Chris settles with his elbows on the pillow and his forearms framing Darren’s head, perfect kissing distance while their hips work in tandem, rubbing themselves together. Chris breathing harder and heavier, feeling that all over flush of arousal, and they’re really getting something good going when there’s a pounding on the bedroom door. 

“Motherfucker,” Darren swears, a mumble against Chris’s wet lips. Chris pulls his face back and presses it to Darren’s neck, still humping hard against Darren’s cock. “What?” 

“Uh, you guys want to go grab lunch with us?” Nick asks. “We’re meeting some-” 

Chris bites down on Darren’s neck and Darren moans, loudly. 

“... I’m just gonna take that as a no and walk away very quickly,” Nick says, voice louder. “Have, uh, have fun, you guys.” 

“Will do!” Darren drapes one arm over the back of Chris’s neck and the other reaches for the lube. 

* 

They sit side by side in uncomfortable chairs in the airport. Darren is just hanging up the phone from a call to his parents, making sure someone knows what time he’s coming in. 

“Last time I forgot to let them know,” he says, grimacing slightly. “Four hours in the airport. My ipod died. It was a horrendous experience.” 

“Sounds traumatic,” Chris laughs. It’s a little bit hollow, though. He can’t stop looking at the clock display on his phone. 

They’re on the same airline, so they’d been able to go through security together. Darren’s flight doesn’t leave for another two hours, but they hadn’t even discussed not coming here together. 

Chris feels a touch on his hand and he jumps, jerking it away out of hard-earned impulse. Darren stares at him with slight surprise and Chris realizes, oh, he was just trying to hold his hand. 

He gives Darren an apologetic look and lets his hand creep back over. Darren takes it and smiles, leaning over to kiss the corner of Chris’s mouth. Chris wants to look around and make sure no one is paying any attention to them, but he doesn’t. 

He keeps telling himself that if it doesn’t bother Darren, it shouldn’t bother him. 

“I’m excited about the present,” Darren says, grinning a childlike grin of delight. “You sure we have to wait a week?” 

“Yes,” Chris says, feigning strictness. The truth is more that he hadn’t wanted to open them face to face because he’s sort of convinced now that what he got Darren is the stupidest thing ever. Over the phone will be better. He can at least pretend Darren likes it. “And no sneaking. I’ll know.” 

Darren laughs, warm and low. Chris turns into him, resting his head on Darren’s shoulder. “Is it that bad?” He asks. “Where you’re from?” 

Instead of answering, Chris responds with, “Why would you ask that?” in a curious voice. 

“Because you look so sad right now.” Darren kisses his forehead. 

“Maybe I just don’t want to leave you.” Chris has a moment of panic as soon as he says it, like maybe that’s too much too soon, but Darren kisses his forehead again for a beat longer. 

“Maybe. But I don’t think that’s all.” He pushes his fingers through Chris’s hair, unstyled since he doesn’t really have anyone back in Clovis to impress and they’d been running short on time. 

“I want to see Hannah, and my parents.” Chris tries again. He closes his eyes and breathes in Darren. “It’s not all bad.” 

Maybe one day soon he’ll tell Darren about the bullying, the names he was called, the derision he got from teachers when he dared step outside the box. Maybe he’ll show Darren the script he pulls out now and then to work on, about a dead boy who tried to navigate his dreams. 

Boarding for Chris’s flight is announced over the loudspeaker. They stay exactly where they are through the first couple of sections, letting the line curl through the wide open clearing in front of the gate. 

Eventually, Chris has to get up, and Darren gets up with him. “Gonna go find my gate, I guess,” he says. 

Chris steps forward into his arms. They don’t kiss, but the hug is tight and clinging. Just before he lets go, Darren whispers, “Gonna miss you, too.” 

*

Clovis is Clovis. It feels like nothing at all in the house has changed, and it’s just fucking weird because so much of _him_ has. 

Chris is in the kitchen with his mother. They’re working on the dressing when he says it. 

“I’m seeing someone.” 

His mother is surprised. She says, “Oh!” in a faint voice, wipes her hands on her apron, and then crosses the room to give him a hug. 

Chris smiles and lets her hug him. 

“What’s... her... name?” His mother asks carefully. 

Chris freezes. “Mom, it’s a guy.” 

She purses her lips, then smiles even more carefully. “Well, what’s _his_ name, then?” 

Their eyes meet. They’re the same color; Chris thinks of her sometimes when he stares at his own reflection. 

“You knew, right?” 

She reaches up and cups his cheek. “I knew.” 

Chris isn’t sure if it’s relief he’s feeling or not. Whatever it is, it’s intense. “Darren. His name is Darren.” 

* 

They don’t really talk about it after that. 

He knows how his parents feel about a lot of things. He knows they might have opinions they’ve stopped expressing because of him, things they never agreed with until they had to face them in their own son. 

Things they probably still don’t agree with.

He knows his parents love him. He knows he’s never questioned that. 

His mother asks if he’s keeping it secret and he says no. He’s done hiding any part of him and his life; it’s not like he passes for straight that well anyway.

 _I came out to my parents today,_ he texts Darren. He’s curled up on one end of the couch watching Christmas specials with his parents. 

_You’re my hero,_ Darren texts back. _Also you’re hot._

Chris laughs. His parents both look over at him. “Sorry,” he says. 

He gets a third message from Darren. _Seriously, Chris. That’s awesome. That’s a really fucking brave thing to do. They okay with it?_

 _I think so,_ he taps out. _My mom hugged me. My dad patted my shoulder. Hannah could not care less._

_Did you tell them about your awesometastic super mega hot bf?_

Chris laughs again, but softer, keeping it to himself. _No, I told them about you instead. I’m keeping the super mega hot one a secret for now._

_Wounded!!!_

Chris hesitates then writes, _I miss you._

_Can I call you?_

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Chris says, getting up. He doesn’t look at anyone as he heads upstairs to his room. He finds Darren’s name and hits call, staring fondly at the stupid face Darren is making on the contact profile picture. 

“I miss you, too,” Darren says as soon as he answers. 

“How is San Francisco?” 

“It’s great. It’s home. This is like the first time I’ve been back here and actually wished I were somewhere else. It’s home, and it’s like a part of me, and my favorite place in the world, but something’s missing, you know?” 

“You miss Michigan that much?” Chris asks, curious and sort of jealous. He likes it there, but it’s not exactly home yet. (Maybe, though - maybe with Darren, it has potential to be.) He lays down on his bed, head on his Spiderman pillowcase. 

“Dummy. I’m talking about you. I wish you were here. Or I was there. I don’t know, I just... I think about you like, all the fucking _time_.” Darren sighs, not a happy sound but not necessarily a sad one, either. 

Frustrated, maybe, Chris thinks. “I’m sorry?” 

“Don’t be,” Darren immediately says. “So - you told your folks. Wow. And they took it okay?” 

“Sort of. My dad asked me if I was sure,” Chris admits. Something in his chest pangs over it but he’s trying to count his blessings where they fall. “They’re not exactly running out to join the local PFLAG, but they didn’t kick me out or anything. They love me.” 

“Of course they do,” Darren says. Chris can just hear the smile in his voice and it chases away whatever lingering sadness he’s feeling. “And if they did, you could come here.”

Chris laughs. “I’m sure your parents would appreciate a random stranger showing up on your doorstep three days before Christmas.” 

“Yeah, but you aren’t a stranger,” Darren argues. “I showed my Mom like a million pictures of you.” 

“You told your mom about us?” Chris can’t help but sound surprised. 

“Uhh, like two days after we got together.” Darren’s voice goes funny. “That’s okay, right? I mean, I’m kind of facebook friends with my mom, so she knew even before that. And I - I guess I talk about you a lot.” 

“And your parents were just... fine with it?” Chris asks. It’s hard to wrap his mind around. Disappointment was really a best cast scenario for him. “They already knew you were... that you’d date guys? You’re... bisexual?” 

He’s never said that out loud, because Darren has never said that out loud. He just can’t think of another word to say.

“I don’t think I ever like, came right out and said it or anything, but I’ve always thought that you fall for the person not the gender. I never hid that from my folks,” Darren explains. “I wouldn’t hide _you_ , Chris. And... I’m glad you feel the same way. We’re on the same page, and all.” 

“Darren.” Chris tries really, really hard to keep the fact that he’s a little choked up out of his voice, but Darren can be pretty perceptive at the strangest of times. “I miss you.” 

There’s silence for a beat. “Yeah. Chris, believe me, _me too_.” 

More silence, and they’re both just sort of listening to each other breathe. 

“So,” Darren says, clearing his throat. “Phone sex?” 

“Oh my god no.” Chris cringes. “I would be so bad at it.” 

“You could let me do all the work. I have it on expert authority that I’m good with my mouth...” 

“I have to go back downstairs to my parents soon.” He turns onto his back on the bed. “I don’t have time.” 

“You’re definitely thinking about it, though. You definitely want to.” Darren’s voice is a picture of triumph. “You miss my cock, don’t you?” 

“... yeah.” Chris’s heart pounds a little just saying that. 

“You miss my hands, too?” 

“Yeah. On me.” He shifts on his bed, half-hard. “I want to blow you again.” 

“And you said you weren’t good at this...” Darren laughs, low and throaty . “Yeah? You liked that? I was a fan. God, the way you looked with your mouth on me...”

Chris has just popped the button on his jeans when there’s a knock on the door. “Christopher? We’re about to have ice cream if you’d like some.” 

His mother’s voice continues to be an instant buzz kill. “Hold on,” he says to Darren. Then, more loudly. “I’ll be down in just a minute, Mom.” 

“Booooo,” Darren shouts into the phone. “No! You won’t! You need to stay on the phone until you get off with your boyfriend.” 

Chris re-buttons his pants. “No, I’m sorry, the moment has passed.” 

“Fine. I’ll just jerk off thinking about you.” Darren sighs. “Maybe I’ll send you some pictures...” 

Chris smirks. “Maybe you should.” 

“Ooh, look at you, being all risque. I approve.” 

“You should. It’s your influence,” Chris says. He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. “I have to go now, though. I’ll text you later.” 

“I hope later means in a few minutes. I’m having separation anxiety.” 

“I’ve heard jerking off helps. Have fun!” 

He hangs up before Darren can respond. 

* 

Christmas Eve is a big family dinner. 

He catches up with cousins that he hasn’t seen in exactly one year, and pretends to listen to elderly relatives talk about long gone family members whose faces Chris can’t even recall. 

He helps his mother in the kitchen, because he’s not exactly great at cooking but he’s always preferred the warm atmosphere and proximity to stealable food more than the boisterous laughter, bawdy jokes, and quiet unflattering consideration that comes his way from the men in the family. 

Truth be told, no one has ever really known what to make of him. In his mind there are imagined conversations to his parents when he was a kid, nothing quite so blatant as to be cruel but warnings about how he could turn out to be if they didn’t discourage his interest in theater, heavy suggestions that they push him into sports. 

It’s not like he hadn’t tried. He just hadn’t tried very hard. He’s never, down in the very heart of himself, disliked who he is. He just dislikes how the person that he cannot stop being evokes such negativity in others. 

Inevitably, someone asks if he’s got a girlfriend yet. 

From across the room he sees his mothers eyes avert to his direction, waiting to see what he’ll say. 

He just smiles politely and says no and tries to ignore how relieved she looks. 

*

His parents are usually shut away in their bedroom by nine, and Hannah even before that. Being in his own bedroom behind a locked door at ten raises no suspicion. 

He boots up his laptop and signed in to skype. He’s first, and as soon as he sees Darren sign on he starts the call. 

“Whoa there, speedy, I’m not ready!” Darren says, and there’s blurry video of moving and what is probably a close up of Darren’s shirt. When the picture settles he can tell Darren is sitting on a bed, wearing obnoxious pink pajama pants and a purple tank top. He looks ridiculous and adorable and Chris wants to bite at his collarbone and play with his hair and wow he was not prepared for what actually seeing Darren after almost a week would do to him. 

Darren settles into place and adjusts a couple of things on his screen and then takes a moment of his own for his eyes to sweep over Chris, soaking him in. 

Then he says, “Okay, now I’m ready,” and he holds up the wrapped giftbox from Chris. 

“Either you actually managed to hold out, or you somehow re-wrapped it to perfection,” Chris notes. “Either way, I’m sort of proud.” 

Darren pouts. “I totally held out. I have no idea what it is.” 

“Okay, then open it now and find out.” Chris’s fingers clench around the flatter, longer box in his own hands. 

“At the same time?” 

"What do you think?" Chris wonders.

"Same time." Darren's fingers are already peeling back a corner of the wrapping paper. At Chris's nod, he yanks it and the paper splits easily. 

Chris gives in to the impulse and copies him, tearing into his present. He snorts at the colorful drawings that Darren has decorated the plain white box with. “Is this supposed to be us?” 

“I am an _artist_.” Darren grins proudly over his personal touch to the box. “Open it!” 

“You open yours!” Chris makes a face back at him, and then pauses to watch as Darren opens the slender box. 

Darren’s laugh is loud and joyous when he pulls out the watch. “TinTin! Chris, this is fucking awesome!” 

Chris smiles so hard his face almost hurts with it as he watches Darren react, then he remembers his own present and looks down, fumbling with the box and getting it open. There’s a navy blue t-shirt that Chris picks up to read. It says **MICHIGAN BOYFRIEND** in yellow blocky, college-style letters for it. 

“Uh...” Chris’s brow furrows and then he remembers Darren is watching and looks up, smiling brightly, if a bit strained. “This is-” 

Then he realizes that Darren is laughing. Laughing hard. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Lauren told me they had those in the campus bookstore and - I couldn’t help it, seriously. But look in the box, there’s something else.” 

“But I do like it-” Chris tries to insist. He’s already reaching under the tissue paper to see what else is there, though. 

“I got a shirt for me, too. We can match.” Darren winks at him. 

Chris misses it because he’s looking down at the dark leather of a portfolio. He picks it up, fingers gliding over the cover. When he opens it, it’s full of heavy, good quality paper and there’s a pen slotted along the inside spine. 

Darren’s voice floats over the tinny speakers of his laptop to his ears. “Seemed like something a writer should have. Turn it over.”

Stretched the bottom edge on the back are the words: _If you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true._

“Disney?” Chris looks up at Darren’s smiling face. “Of course, of course it’s Disney.” 

“Yeah, come on, signature Darren touch. Seemed appropriate. And, okay, I know you write on your laptop mostly but I figured like, you can’t always connect, so I thought... I don’t know. Seemed like... a writer thing.” Darren rambles on. “A good writer thing to have.” 

It is very much a _writer thing_. It’s sleek and modern, professional, like something a real writer would own. Just looking at it gives a surge of excitement low in his gut. “I really love it,” Chris says, looking up at Darren. He can’t stop stroking his fingers over the smooth leather. 

They look at each other over the webcam. Darren is already wearing the watch. “So,” Darren says after a moment. “So, I was thinking-” 

There’s a dull banging on what Chris assumes is Darren’s door. Darren sighs and says, “Hold on,” and then Chris spends a couple of minutes eavesdropping on a conversation between Darren and his brother, an insult-laden back and forth the likes of which Chris has never really known with a sibling. “Sorry, back.”

“Yay,” Chris cheers a little, only sort of sarcastic. 

Darren flops down onto the bed and then drags the laptop up so that he can lay with his head in the pillow and still look at Chris. “The watch is really kickass. Like... I didn’t even know I needed this but I did, I totally did.” 

Chris feels the glow of having done well, like this is some sort of hurdle he’s passed. “I’m glad.” 

Darren smiles at him. That warm feeling steals over Christ again. He’s afraid to open his mouth because he just has this way of spilling out feelings when he thinks like this about Darren. 

But Darren still seems to get it anyway. He makes a show of grabbing his pillow and fluffing it. “Hey. Chris. Lay down with me. Virtual cuddles.” 

“You are weird,” Chris says. He glances over his shoulder at his bed and then decides why not. His blankets aren’t quite as warm as Darren’s arms and his pillow doesn’t smell quite as nice as Darren’s, but this is close as he’ll get for a couple more weeks. 

*

Christmas is over, the excitement gone even though the decorations remain, and it seems like a long stretch of days until he goes back to Michigan. 

His facebook has never seen so much excitement and activity, and he’s on his phone texting so much that his mother has to scold him to put it away during meals. He hears from Darren less while Darren’s in New York, but he’s not all that surprised. They still text off and on most of the day and he can’t really complain too much. He will spend another New Year’s Eve with no one to kiss at midnight, but it’s not exactly something he’s dedicated hours - or even minutes, to be honest - of his life lamenting over. 

He knows Darren has plans with Chuck, so he’s sort of surprised when he gets a phone call at just before nine. He’s on the couch with his laptop out, half-way watching a movie with Hannah. 

He shuts the laptop and answers the phone at the same time, putting his computer aside. His parents are both looking at him, like they do when he gets a call. He usually waits until he’s out of the room to answer it, guarding his privacy even though he’s not technically hiding anything. 

This time, he doesn’t wait. “Darren?” 

“Hey, Chris...” 

Something sounds off about Darren’s voice. Chris frowns as he takes the stairs two at a time and then shuts his bedroom door behind him. “Is everything okay?” 

“What? Oh. Yeah. No, everything’s good, I just... the whole bar thing was getting kind of nuts. And I just...” He hears Darren breathing. “I just wanted to talk to you. Is that cool?” 

“Of course,” Chris says. It’s almost midnight there and as nice as the gesture is he can’t believe Darren would be missing the festivities to talk to him on the phone. “Are you having fun? I thought you’d be more drunk.” 

“What? Oh. Yeah, it’s fun...” Darren sounds distracted again, and then he clears his throat and when he talks again he sounds a little more like himself. “It’s almost midnight. If you were here, I’d totally be kissing you.” 

“Already?” Chris glances at his clock, teasing. “The ball doesn’t drop for another five minutes.” 

“Well, it would be practice,” Darren bulshits. “There’s a certain art to kissing at midnight. We’d have to discuss our technique.” 

“Well, that sounds fun...” Chris says. “Where are you?” 

“Coffee shop. I just wanted to get somewhere that I could hear your voice when I called you. New York is great, but... I’m kind of over it for this trip. I can’t wait to get home.” Darren sounds tired in a way Chris doesn’t hear him often. “I think I’m getting a cold, too. It’s total bullshit.” 

“Aw. I can bring you over some soup if you get sick,” Chris offers. “My can opening skills are top notch.” 

Darren laughs and jokes back and the conversations goes on, and on, and on. They talk about everything Darren has done in New York, and school and friends and nothing at all of any importance, as the minutes strike by. Chris takes his phone with him as he changes into pajamas, laughing at Darren’s insistence that he just stay on speakerphone while Chris brushes his teeth but not really caring at all. 

They’re still on the phone when midnight creeps around in Chris’s timezone. By that point he’s curled up under his blankets and Darren is on his fourth cup of tea. It’s the longest phone call Chris has ever had, and he doesn’t know why Darren doesn’t seem to want to let go, but he doesn’t really mind being held onto.


	2. Darren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This runs concurrently with the last section of the previous part, and switches to Darren's POV.

New York is cold and stark. It always seems stripped down to Darren; a city that has no pretenses, it just is what it is. Sometimes it’s sparkles and light and magic, sometimes it’s grit and piss and cold cement. No one can make city into exactly what they want; it just is what it is.

Darren likes to see the beauty in everything, even in the things that might not be beautiful. He likes New York, sometimes things about moving here and just finding a corner to play his guitar on every day, just to let his music out into the world and hope someone appreciates it.

(He tried, once last year just after Chuck moved here, but Chuck found him after like half an hour and then hauled him away looking sort of mortified and started apologizing to the people that had to walk around them.

But to make up for it, Chuck had found a karaoke bar later that night and let Darren keep singing until the crack of dawn and snuck him drinks since Darren was still understage, because Chuck is a pretty righteous brother when he mellows a little.)

*

Visiting isn’t the same as it was before Chuck lived there. Before it was a vacation or a school trip or for some similar central purpose. Now when he comes to New York, Darren feels like he’s getting an actual slice of what life living in the city would be like.

Chuck has a shoebox apartment a little too far away from everything (but Darren doesn’t mind the walk and he actually really digs the trains) and and a new girlfriend that Darren hasn’t met yet.

The girlfriend practically lives with Chuck. She’s there when Darren shows up with his backpack slung over his back and Red Bull warding off jetlag. She warms him up leftover pizza, gives him a beer to help him wind down enough to sleep soon, and immediately starts teaming up with him to insult and annoy Chuck.

Darren likes her pretty well, but there aren’t many people he doesn’t like.

*

By day three he’s decided that he definitely likes her. She joins them for dinner most nights and he thinks she’s funny, a good match for Chuck. She sings, too, and that’s always a plus in his book.

She asks if he has a girlfriend, and says no, a boyfriend. The words roll off his tongue with practiced ease that really isn’t all that practiced. It kind of hits him like a two by four now and then, something he hadn’t really expected would happen. His fluidity isn’t really in question. It’s just - _boyfriend_. He’s been someone’s before, but never had one.

It’s not that different, he thinks - not the general concept. It’s _Chris_ that’s different. How Chris acts, how he carries himself, how he guards himself. How he makes Darren turn into an idiot tripping over his feet and his words equally. How he smiles when Darren gets it right.

“You must miss him,” Chuck’s girlfriend says, and it sort of reminds Darren that yeah, he does, actually, so he tells them he’s gonna go wander around and he calls Chris.

*

He talks more to the girlfriend than Chuck when they’re out, because that’s kind of how he and Chuck are. Chuck says less in general, especially when Darren is around - but they’re brothers, they’ve had a lifetime of being in each other’s space. He doesn’t hesitate to tell Darren when he’s being an idiot or offensive or annoying and Darren takes it in stride.

On his fourth day there, Darren skypes with Chris and ‘introduces’ him to Chuck. They talk for twenty minutes about music and college and New York and then Chris has to go help his mother with laundry and they end the call.

Almost before the window has closed Darren is looking over at Chuck, trying not to be nervous about his reaction. It’s hard; Chuck’s opinion matters in a way that most peoples don’t, holdover from years of younger sibling idolizing.

“Not what I expected,” Chuck finally says. He’s smiling, looking at Darren like he’s just learned something new. “You’re for real about this?”

“Uh, yeah?” Darren says, frowning. “Did you think I was just fucking around?”

Chuck shrugs. “You’re weird, kid. I couldn’t tell if this was some...”

“If you say phase, I’m gonna nut punch you,” Darren warns.

Chuck laughs. “Okay. I wasn’t sure if this was some temporary experimentation you were doing.”

“Is it a problem with you if it’s not?” Darren’s voice loses the edge of humor.

Chuck rolls his eyes. “Of course not. Not for me, anyway.”

“Then for who?” Darren asks.

“The whole world doesn’t have rose colored glasses.” Chuck looks like he wants to say more, then he just shrugs again. “I like him, though. Seems cool enough.”

*

On New Year’s Even they go out.

They all drink too much. There’s an open mic and when Chuck leaves with his girlfriend Darren doesn’t at all mind promising that he’ll give them a couple hours of private time before he comes back.

He’s having fun.

Chris tries to call him. Darren knows he won’t be able to hear anything over the roar of the crowd in the bar so he texts back, leaning against a stolen bit of wall and smiling down at the screen as it blurs. He’s pretty sure he has a few issues with his spelling in the responses that he’s sending but he doesn’t care. He thinks the general gist of wish you were here makes it through. He hopes, at least.

It’s half past eleven and he’s gonna have one bitch of a hangover in the morning but he’s just done his third song on stage and there’s no better rush than people applauding for him. A cute girl with a red pixie cut offers her hand to help him hop down from the stage. He stumbles into her and she laughs and grabs his shoulders and does a little dance move that makes him laugh.

Then they’re dancing, he and pixie girl, and she’s totally cute. Definitely would have gone for her before, before Chris - but he’s just dancing right now, nothing wrong with dancing. She smells good, feels nice and soft - Chris doesn’t have soft places, but he has other sorts of curves. Darren’s mouth waters thinking about the shape of Chris’s ass under his hands and the smoothness of his lips...

Lips...

There are lips on his. 

He jerks out of a kiss with pixie girl, heart pounding. She pouts at him, mouthing what! over the music, but he just shakes his head and stumbles away.

He’s really fucking drunk and he can’t honestly remember how long he just let her kiss him and he’s panicking without even stopping to think rationally about why.

It takes him a few minutes to work his way through the people and outside. The frigid air helps him clear his head and he wants to go home but he can’t go back yet, he promised Chuck...

He feels like shit now. He wraps his arms around himself and can’t find his gloves, must have left them somewhere or maybe someone grabbed them. His hands shake a little as he picks up his phone and presses against the screen. 

He wants to call Chris and hear his voice but he’s pretty sure the truth is just gonna spill right out of his mouth and that’s just, no, that can’t happen. Because Chris _will_ dump him and Darren _will_ absolutely lose his shit. 

Julia answers on the third ring. “Hi, sweetie!” She says, obviously well into the drinks herself. “Happy New Year! In a few minutes for you, right?”

“Uh, yeah.” Darren wraps his free arm a little more tightly around himself. “Juls, look, I need... help.”

“Shit. What did you do?” She immediately jumps into protective mode - though he’s never really sure if she’s protective of him or of whoever might be impacted by the situations he gets into. 

At the end of the day, she’s always got his back, though.

“I’m at this bar and this girl just like... full on, tongue down my throat, I didn’t - I wasn’t leading her on, or anything, we were just dancing, it’s a bar and we were dancing, and she kissed me.”

“What else did she do, Dar? What did _you_ do?”

“I stopped her. Nothing else happened. I shut it down.” He doesn’t mention what he feels worse about - that split second of how nice it had felt, of how his body had been totally into it. “Did I just cheat on my boyfriend of like, two fucking weeks, Juls? Was I just that much of a dumbass?”

“Well, you are a dumbass, but not for this, okay?” Julia tells him. “If she kissed you, and you told her you were unavailable, then you did exactly what you were supposed to do, Darren.”

“Really?” Darren wants to be comforted by her. He wants to believe her. 

“You can tell him about it if you really feel that badly.” Her voice is soft, kinder than he feels like he deserves. “It won’t change anything, but he’ll know he can trust you to be honest, at least.”

“You think I should tell him?” Darren asks.

“Not right now.” She pauses, clearly giving it some thought. “I think you should call him. You sound pretty drunk right now, though, so don’t tell him now. If you start off the conversation with him like you did with me you’ll make it sound worse than it was, and he’s so... young.”

He wants to defend Chris, to say he’s not _that_ young, but he also sort of gets what she’s saying. He’s young and god Darren just aches when he thinks about doing anything that might hurt or disappoint Chris.

He hangs up the call with Julia and walks a block or two over. It’s ten til midnight for him, which means it’s barely nine in California.

He finds a 24-hour coffee shop and slips inside. Even it is crowded but he grabs a table and dials. 

Chris answers on the second ring. “Darren?” 

“Hey, Chris...” He tries really hard not to slur his words and his voice sounds strange to his own ears. He shoves back the panic that Chris can tell everything just from two syllables. 

“Is everything okay?” Chris asks. 

It would be so easy to hurt this boy. Almost as easy as loving him is. 

Julia’s advice sticks in his mind. 

“What? Oh. Yeah. No, everything’s good, I just... the whole bar thing was getting kind of nuts. And I just...” Darren forces himself to breathe in and out. He’ll tell Chris, yeah. He’ll tell him. But not tonight. There’s a better time, when they aren’t a country apart. “...I just wanted to talk to you.”


End file.
